i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
