You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
