someone get that fucking seahorse.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
