listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
