her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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