it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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