im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
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In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
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I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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