fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
