I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize