Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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