I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
