i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
