so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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