I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
