thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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