update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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