I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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