I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
