she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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