if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
