just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
