wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
