Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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