My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
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After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
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Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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