Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
