you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
