Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
