I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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