what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
please come you make the beer taste better
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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