Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
