Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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