im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
