Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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