my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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