so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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