I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
