I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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