I want you more than these girls want KFC
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
