Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
