I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
