i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He told me they were just razor bumps!
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
