My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
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Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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