last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
