i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
