Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
