grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
from now on my penis is your penis
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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