I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
