You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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