I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
