It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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