Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
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My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
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Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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