I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
