mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
