Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
