I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
