I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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