you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
