nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
