I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
