Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
